Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
