I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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