i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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