It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize