He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
