im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
