I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
