i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
