Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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