Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
