They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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