phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
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