I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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