I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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