Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
