My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think my moral compass just broke
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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