i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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