listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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