are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
