great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Randomize
