its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
