new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
