Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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