i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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