If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
