I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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