our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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