Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
