my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize