My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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