Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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