I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
