you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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