Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
