Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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