the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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