you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
