I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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