This is not my ceiling
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize