This is not my ceiling
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
