And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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