your thong is hanging out like whoa
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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