he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
