I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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