Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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