update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
