Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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