So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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