foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
