Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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