I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
