I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
