we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
