Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
