as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
