Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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