I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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