sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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