btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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