Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
